Six years ago...

Six years ago our life changed. We experienced something that no one should ever have to go through. The loss of a child. My husband was overseas in Turkey. He would be gone for 18mths. Right before he left we found out that I was pregeant again. We were so excited because this was planned.

I was about 20 wks when I went in for a routine ultrasound. During this I found out that we were having a daughter. A daughter! I called my husband and he was so exicted. We had two boys and now we'd have the daughter we wanted. Also during this ultrasound I was told that I would have to go to OKC for a 3D Ultrasound because they were having trouble seeing everything. They scheduled it for 2 wks later.

A friend went with me to OKC - along with Monkey (who was 1 1/2 at the time). We were joking around and talking the whole way there. She went into the ultrasound room with me (Monkey played in his stroller). The Doctor walked in said hello and placed the monitor on my just now starting to show stomach. He wasted no time. He said "I'm sorry, she is going to die." I just stared at him. Not really grasping what he was saying. He went on to explain that my daughter was anencephalic. What does that mean? He said the top of her skull didn't form and neither would her brain. "I can feel her move though." His reply "It doesn't take a brain for a baby to move. The movements come from the Brain Stem that is still there." My friend gasped - she couldn't believe he said that. I just looked at him and said "I said now what?" He went on to give me two option. Deliever her now or continue to carry her until Feb. When I would be alone - feeling her grow inside me. Feel her become more real to me and my son's. Watch my 3 yr old become excited at the prospect of having another sibling. Have people I know or don't know congratulate me. Do this all - without - my husband.

My friend and I left OKC and traveled back to TX. We tried talking about everything BUT. We stopped in Lawton for lunch. I said I needed to call my husband but I didn't think I could. We got back in the van and headed back home. As soon as we got to base I drove to Cotto's office. He would help me. He knew where I was going that day. We pulled into the parking lot and went inside. I asked for him (he was helping the wives of service members overseas without them - he was a local support system for us). As soon as he walked out I burst into tears. I couldn't say anything. I finally got out that I needed him to bring my husband home. He took me back to his office and he started making calls. My husband would be home on Wednesday (it was Monday) and he was getting on the plane now. (They were prepared on his end to put him on a plane)

Wednesday night I sat at home with two wonderful woman. Christina and Missy. They stayed with me - waiting up - until he walked through the door. I grabbed him and didn't let go. They quietly left out the front door. I stayed up all night that night. Crying and talking. Trying to understand what I did, what we were going to do and what next.

We came to the hard decision that it would be best for everyone involved if we delievered her early. That way my husband could also be here with us. So the boys wouldn't be hurt anymore by this then they would be. We went to the doctor's the next day. We told them our decision. They respected it and the Doctor who would deliever our angel had been there for other births like hers. I requested that there would only be one nurse to attend me during the labor. They respected that as well. Saturday would be the day.

We had a ton to do and prepare for. The days were a blur.

Saturday came. We went into the hospital. Not only would I have one nurse but she too had attended a birth as special as this one. She would be blessed and honored to be with us on this day. She was so sweet. I was in a panic. I was worried that I was making a mistake. She wasn't really sick and she wouldn't really die. Please can we do another ultrasound? What if they are wrong! Everyone was very paintent and reassuring that there was nothing we could do.

The day was long and short all at the same time. Finally she was born. I squeezed my eyes shut and cried....my husband cried...the nurse and doctor were quick and queit. She took Abigail Hlee out of the room. She cleaned her, took foot prints and dressed her for us. Including a little cap for her beautiful head. She brought her back to us to hold and love. She looked like a tiny minature of her brothers. She had ten fingers and ten toes. She was beautiful. She was ours.

She has forever changed our lives. Sometimes for the better. We're stronger now. We learned that as a family we can do anything. She is our little angel. In other posts I've talked about Princess talking to Abigail. Without Abigail we would not have our Princess. Together they share a sister bond that no one else has. Two souls united in heaven. My daughters.

Today is Abigail's birthday. Tonight we'll sit together as a family and celebrate our little angel and our beautiful family. Today is a day to be thankful for everything we have.

I remember...

Seven years ago I was on a walk with 3 young kids (the boys and a daycare kid) when Chef drove up in the CE truck. "The twin towers were hit by a plane." he says "Really??" is my reply. Little did I know. Soon after we arrived back home. I turned on the tv.

*I stood there in disbelief.*

I couldn't fathum what this meant. What is going on? Why are so many gone. What will happen now? I am sure ALL of us thought and felt this way. I held my 9mth old son in my arms. I watched my 2 yr old playing in the playroom with his 2 yr old friend. What will happen to my family? We're military as many of you know. I had visions of my husband leaving.

That hasn't happened so far. I have watched too many friends husbands leave. I have sat with them while we waited for them to return home. Safe. Sound. Whole. I am thankful for them. I rejoice when they come home. I see too many who do not. I ache for them.

Do I think the war is pointless? No, I am a military wife and veteran. This war was coming. You only have to think about today to know. We are doing the right thing.

I will never forget!